Category Archives: The Trailer Park

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Teaser Trailer

So….it’s green Transformers….right?

I kid, I kid. Yes, it does contain the BRAHM and I do believe I heard a transforming noise in there. But set aside the terrifying humanoid lips, the brahm, the slightly weird back story that goes against all current Ninja Turtles history and the knowledge that last time director Jonathan Liebesman gave us a good trailer we got *ahem* Battle L.A…it doesn’t look bad. Not bad at all!

The wit is present, the snow slide looks like it could be a hell of a sequence and William Fichtner is Shredder. That last point alone is enough for me.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is released in the UK on October 17th 2014.

Wait, what? October 17th? A full two months AFTER its US release date?

Now this pisses me off. Take a look at Augusts schedule. Outside of Guardians of the Galaxy (August 1st), there isn’t a single film that would be moving in on the target audience of this film. Not Deliver Us From Evil, not Sin City 2, not The Inbetweeners 2 and not Lucy. You know what makes it even worse? The brand recognition of the Ninja Turtles alone is stronger than every film released in the UK that month.

This is why piracy is an issue. The answer isn’t encoding bugs into the audio, its not high vision goggles and its not the laziness of audiences. Its the simple matter of distributors getting their shit together and focusing on world wide releases. The internet has made the world a very small place and folk don’t want to have films spoiled for them, and that will inevitably happen for those wanting to see this film because the biggest cinema going audience in the West is seeing it TWO MONTHS before most other territories.

With DVD windows becoming shorter and shorter, piracy growing wider and in better quality, is this the answer for a film that Paramount could really do with being a worldwide success?

Christ, I’m not even invested in this film further than “I’ll watch it”. This shit drives me crazy.

Don’t be stupid, you stupid idiots.


Plastic – Full Trailer

Good news everyone!

Britain now has its own Oceans 11. Only instead of loveable scamps robbing from scumbags, its about credit card fraud…you know, those people that are the cause of you paying a monthly fee to protect your card from shitheads. I mean, who wouldn’t want to cheer those guys on?

Still, Will Poulter is a lovely chap, so I’m prepared to give this trailer the benefit of the doubt.

Oh wait. Nope. Dubstep. Sorry Plastic, you lost me. I’m just not young enough for this.

Godzilla – Full Trailer

Holy shit. The teaser was a damn fine bit of marketing but this? Okay, I’m completely ready for a new Godzilla movie.

Cranston going full Heisenberg, global destruction, new mythology, more destruction, “the arrogance of man”, THAT FINAL SHOT.

This is a brilliant trailer, with a brilliant cast from a director who created the brilliant Monsters and…

Shut up fry


Guardians of the Galaxy – Full Trailer

As a fan of the comic book, this was always going to be tough to pull off…until James Gunn was hired to direct.

In 2 minutes and 25 seconds, this trailer has captured everything I love about the crazy world of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Oh, and there is also an angry tree, a tattooed killer, an assassin, a raccoon with a massive gun and Chris Pratt acting like a cross between someone who things they’re Han Solo, but is actually more like C3PO.

Colour me excited, this has the potential to be truly brilliant.

Divergent – Final Trailer

Okay, I get it. I am 100% not the target audience for this film and yes, The Hunger Games has made an absolute ton of money, much like Twilight did so the YA adaptations will continue.

But, come on. Do they have to look so boring? I get that Divergent is a teenagers wet dream. A protagonist who doesn’t fit in with any of society’s roles…edgy stuff, but it does look like a watered-down Hunger Games and not a very good one at that. It has a decent director and a great cast* so I’ll give it a shot, but as the final piece of marketing, this trailer does not sell it to me at all.

*except from the dude from The Inbetweeners Movie who had poo on his nose. He is terrible.

Transformers – Age of Extinction Super Bowl Trailer

As someone who enjoyed the first Transformers movie but absolutely loathed the last two, I can’t say I was too enthused by a fourth entry, especially when it appeared that the series was wrapped up by Dark of the Moon.

Well money talks and the first look at Transformers: Age of Extinction aired during the 2014 Super Bowl. And it looks like every problem I had with the last two films are very much present, only this time, there are robot dragons too.

God help us all.